Sat Dec 22 05:59:25 2001

Being her best friend I wondered about our relationship and what it meant about the value of our history.

I've realised now, under unfortunate circumstances (i have not been able to get in touch with her for the last 10 days :( ) that although history was important as it is the foundation on which our friendship is built on, the future had more stock in it.

I look forward to a future where I'll be witness to her marriage. I want to see her first born child. I want to see her as a mother. I want to see her and I sitting on a porch discussing a lifetime of friendship that we have shared. This to me is far more important then the history we have and this is what is breaking my heart. That I may never see her get married, never become best friends with her husband, never to see her child grow up and look to me as her mom's best friend. That rips my heart and makes me want to cry, but right now I want and need to deny that my future with her will never be.

Life is a bitch sometimes. There are tragedies I expected to face, like the death of my parents, the loss of a loved one, the nadir that I my self may one day face, but I never expected that at the age of 24 I would have to face the amigious indifference of my one best friend. Should I start to mourn? Should I try harder to find out whats going on? Should I call her parents inspite of my deepest fear that she maybe dead. Should I be as indifferent and move on.

I can't though. Love is far to strong a chain that cuts deep into my soul if I try to go free.

Maybe I'll go mad and in my malady I will keep her alive through irrational ramblings.

Maybe I'll just give up on love and become cynical as I don't want to experience ever again the shadows of grey I find my self under.

The heart is a beautiful thing but ever so delicate that a pin prick be like a sword cut deep into the marrow of my existence.

In college, because of my bad experiences at highschool, i vowed to be a machine: no soul, no heart, just mind and body. Till I met her and she showed me that the heart can be wings that rises above and not a stone that drags and drowns you in a river of emotions. Thus I became the Tin Man who's wish comes true for a heart, but never knew that such a burden would befall him.

Now where does the wind blow, how does the river flow? Will she reply one day and tell me of unfortunate circumstances that prevented her communications with me? Will I then be so euphoric and celebrate the love that I miss so dearly right now?
Or maybe I will one day find the truth and see my self standing in front of a tomb stone with lillies in my hand, head bowed down, and a tear fall upon her grave? There at least I am still a man and not a machine for at least I know that it is cruel fate that breaks my heart. But worse, or so much worse is that she still breathes and walks upon this land where I bump into her one day. In those eyes of hers I see a resignation she made towards me not so long ago. For some unknown twist of fate she stopped loving me and she ignores the dispair i suffered in her absence by just walking away as if I never existed. No lillies in her hand for the death she brought me.

That is all I can think and say without breaking down and turning into a child sobbing over my keyboard.

Sat Dec 22 06:46:26 2001

her name was Bridget and I believe I mentioned her in a thread here on OSY this past summer.

She passed away this week, but I had to put it in the back of my mind with finals and all.

I did love her, even after all those years. :(

I can't recall here malady, but she knew from a young age that she probably wouldn't see 30 years of age.  That is probably one of the reasons I liked her (besides her bubbly cuteness), her bravery and love of the short life she would have

Rest in Peace Bridget.  May you take your place amongst the angels in heaven even as you were an Angel to many here while on Earth.

:AYB cries:

:(

(Edited by AllYorBaseRBelong2Us at 12:47 am on Dec. 22, 2001)

Sat Dec 22 17:21:32 2001