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Thread #: 1157

The Chili Contest

Imitation Gruel

Tue Nov 13 04:19:48 2001

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
- JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
- FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
- JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
- JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
- FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
- JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
- JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of red peppers.
- FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
- JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
- JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
- FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out
taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
- JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
- JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
- FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
- JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
- JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
- FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
- JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
- FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost
the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in
my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
- JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
- FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
unable to report


HitScan

Tue Nov 13 13:14:49 2001

I'm laughing into tears here at work. I think one of our bookmobile ladies thinks I'm nuts. That fucking rocks.
Riso

Tue Nov 13 15:38:21 2001

Now thats some funny shit.
Magus

Wed Nov 14 00:29:45 2001

Must... stop laughing.... Coworkers... staring
Imitation Gruel

Thu Feb 14 17:09:26 2002

Thread revivage.

This article is funny.

HitScan

Thu Feb 14 17:48:55 2002

Indeed! Teh chili story is an all-time favorite. I must print it off for the staff Lounge. :biggrin:
Imitation Gruel

Thu Feb 14 18:58:43 2002

Indeed!

Needs more emphasis.

[color=purple][font=papyrus][size=1000]INDEED !![/size][/font][/color]

OscarWilde

Fri Feb 15 08:43:40 2002

the story isn't that funny, granted one time i laughed my ass of one time when a skinny white dude noticed i put a lot of chili in my dish and asked if he could have a bit for taste.

The idiot then turns bright red runs to the sink and starts spitting out what ever he could and then starts gulping a ton of water. The funny thing is he barely had a teaspoon's worth. Off course he stared at me wild eyed and couldn't believe i was eating something that hot!

NOW this is the even funnier part: i can eat hot but no where close to what that story is suggesting because i've had a try at some of these sauces. I can still stand up and go about as normal but DAMN!!!!! some of those special chili sauces CAN KILL YOU!!!! I have maybe two friends who could drink that stuff and complain its not hot enough. My aunt is the same.

:eek:

What are these people's tounges made of!?

what about you guys? can ya eat teh hot stuff and how hot can you get before your eyes starts to water?

On a dare my roommates created some really spicey sauce. I made it alebit with lots of tears and water, but I PAID THE PRICE IN THE BATHROOM

UNLESS YOU'VE EXPERIENCED IT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE TO SHIT ACTUAL FIRE FROM YOUR ASSHOLE!!!!!!!